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A Pet Peeve

I have a minor vent that I need to do today. I don't know if this have every happened to you but I hate when people talk to me through my child. Don't know what I am talking about? Well, at Mekhi's daycare a few of the providers have this awful habit. They like to provide a "critique" of my parenting skills by talking to Mekhi in my presence. The most recent example is when I arrive to school and it is after the children have already eaten breakfast. Mekhi is greeted with "Hi Mekhi, doesn't mommy know that children thrive on routine? I know you like your breakfast but breakfast is over, come join your classmates on the mat." Um, excuse me? I am to understand that I need to explain that Mekhi and I were at the doctor's office this morning and of course I fed my child? Or that I have been given the benefit of having flexible hours and although I know Mekhi has a "routine" sometimes that we spend quality time together before I take him to school .

I respect my elders and I have not said anything because I don't want to have an attitude. I just smile and let Mekhi enjoy his day. I understand that they are "talking' to Mekhi with good intentions but seriously? It is really pissing me off. Have you ever had this type of experience? Do you have any advice for me?


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Kelly Deneen Raymond said…
Ugh!!!! People that are passive agressive like that drive me CRAZY! I'm sorry.
March 31, 2009 at 10:28 AM
Marinka said…
That's really terrible and I'm surprised that educators resort to that. What does she think that your son is going to do? "Yeah, I keep telling her, but you know MOTHERS!"
March 31, 2009 at 10:31 AM
Melanie Nelson (chilihead) said…
That happened to me all the time with my kids when they were small. I hated it. The grandmas STILL do it. Gah.

The last time someone did it--via her own child, not mine--I called her on it. "If you want to talk to me, I'm standing right here." She walked away. Whatever. It's obviously a peeve of mine too! ;)
March 31, 2009 at 10:32 AM
Mama Bub said…
That's at the top of my annoying list. My mother in law comes over and says to my one year old, "Aren't you FREEZING? It's so cold, where's your jacket?"

Seems like the day care workers have no place making such comments to you. He's clean, fed and loved. Does anything else matter?
March 31, 2009 at 10:33 AM
Upstatemamma said…
Okay so I am totally guilty of talking to a parent through a child. But that was just rude!!! I would have said, "Hey buddy! Did you do anything fun this morning? Did you eat? We had breakfast already so go ahead and sit with your friends on the mat." And that is assuming I felt it was important to let the parent know that breakfast was over (if they brought the kid after breakfast regularly or something and I needed them to understand that we have a routine). And sometimes I do things like say, "Good Morning. How are you today? Did you have a good night? Are you feeling all better or are you still feeling sick?" Now in reality I expect the parent to answer and tell me if the kid is still feeling badly but I always try to include the kids in that kind of thing. Because eventually they will start answering.
March 31, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Deb@BirdOnAWire said…
ok I'm old. But Renee' for goodness sake speak up! Don't let these people walk on you, your parenting or your feelings! Say something, to someone about how you feel about this passive agressive behaviour. Seriously, it won't get better until you do. And you'll find you resent your "day care" providers who are supposedly there to be of help toyou!

Just sayin
March 31, 2009 at 11:05 AM
nuckingfutsmama said…
You know how there are people who work with animals and actually communicate better with animals than they do with people? I think there are also adults who work with children and communicate better with kids than they do with other adults. Doesn't excuse the derogatory tone though....
March 31, 2009 at 11:29 AM
Shelly- Mom Files said…
that's really rude! I can't think of what advice to give that is mature cause all I have in my head is not very nice.
March 31, 2009 at 11:51 AM
Erin said…
Oh my gosh, this pisses me off so much! My in-laws used to always do this because it bugged them so much that I would not give Luke anything but breast milk until after he was six months. So they'd say things like, "Oh, Luke, tell your mommy you want chocolate cake!" Until finally I lost it and said, "IF he needed [insert whatever food they wanted him to eat], I would be the one that you would ask, and as you know, he will not be eating anything until he's at least six months old."
March 31, 2009 at 12:06 PM
Playground for Parents said…
Your response, "Goodbye Mekhi. Doesn't your teacher know that it is best to talk directly to me if she has an issue, and it's completely inappropriate and unprofessional of her to criticize me in front of you. Don't you wonder, Mekhi, how our little conversation right now is making HER feel?" LOL
Good luck, Girl. You KNOW already what you need to do. Respect your elders? Not at the sake of self-respect, darlin'.
xoxo - Nina
March 31, 2009 at 12:10 PM
Lucrecer said…
Nip that in the bud. Now. I would say something to them and shut it up. This is out of line.
March 31, 2009 at 12:13 PM
Green said…
You vent woman!

I think you should definately say something to them.
March 31, 2009 at 12:17 PM
Green said…
respect is a two way st...
I forgot that part :)
March 31, 2009 at 12:18 PM
Christy said…
You seriously did not say anything? And this has happened more than once? What restraint you have!!

My first comment would be, "I am up here." My second would be along the lines of NOT inferring to my child that *I* did anything inadequate and that if we vary our routine from time to time, that is MY call and perfectly fine.

Grrrrr. I can't believe the line about breakfast!

:(

Christy
March 31, 2009 at 12:41 PM
Kacey said…
Oh that would make me INSANE! Because I am not super confrontational I think it would be pretty funny and effective to give her a dose of her own medicine.

I would, in my sweetest voice, respond back " aaah Sweetie, you'll have to tell Mrs. ______ what a fun time we had this morning spending quality time together and how yummy our breakfast at home was."

I'm sorry that has happened though - it stinks when people are so rude.
March 31, 2009 at 12:52 PM
kristi said…
I agree with the comment from Playgrounds for Parents.

Not cool.

I would have said something. But I am a big ol' loud mouth!
March 31, 2009 at 12:57 PM
Amarie said…
Yeah, that would peeve me, too!
March 31, 2009 at 1:12 PM
Blunt Delivery said…
i'd just go all christian bale on her.

haha. okay, maybe not.
March 31, 2009 at 1:39 PM
slimshady22248202 said…
You Go Girl! You have every right to be upset. I would give those workers a piece of my mind. If you are possibly doing everything to take care of your child. Tell them to come to yourself for a day and show them what you do for your child. That would shut them up!

Peace Out!
March 31, 2009 at 1:40 PM
Mary said…
I'm with Playgrounds, honey. I like that response quite a bit. Actually, I've found that when I address things directly with people in a not pissed off manner (as much as I can muster, anyway), they usually back the hell off. Good luck!
March 31, 2009 at 3:30 PM
Pat said…
Gosh! that has never happened to me but I would be so pissed!
March 31, 2009 at 4:07 PM
Amy said…
I was a pre-school teacher. My director would let us know sometimes if I child would be late. I would never jump on my parent's when a child would arrive late. Who knows why they did. It could be many different things. I would never do what that one teacher did that is just rude. I guess I would have said, Thanks we already ate before we headed to the doctors. It is so nice of you to give helpful hints. Then you are being kind right?
March 31, 2009 at 4:11 PM
KatBouska said…
Oh this is SOOOO my pet peeve. I. HATE. That!

"Oooh Maile, where are your socks?? Didn't mommy put socks on you today?? Tell mommy 'my feet are cooooldd mommy'"

I mean seriously! We're standing right there, just turn to me and talk to me directly please. Obnoxious.
March 31, 2009 at 4:24 PM
The POSHpreneur said…
WOW! That is terrible! I think I would be too shocked to even respond.
March 31, 2009 at 4:28 PM
Michele said…
That kind of passive aggressive behavior can be so annoying. Definitely say something. The bottom line is you're the customer and the mother - both deserve respect.
March 31, 2009 at 5:39 PM
chirky said…
Whatever. I would totally say something. Right after she made that comment, I would have piped up as sweetly and matronly as possible with exactly what you said: "We were at the doctor's office this morning. OF COURSE I fed my child."

Seriously. They are ridiculous.
March 31, 2009 at 7:28 PM
Tabitha Blue said…
Oh goodness, that shouldn't even be happening!! That's not the right way to treat people. I think we all have that pet peeve. I'd definitely say something, a daycare should be more professional than that. Hope it gets better.

:)
~Tabitha~

freshmommyblog.com
March 31, 2009 at 9:02 PM
jmt said…
I'd smile, ask my son to go join his friends, and immediately pull the teacher aside. I'd tell them that although their intentions might be swell, I fed my child, we went to the doctor, and we spent some QT together this morning. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS? If you do, let me know and I can make other arrangements for my child. Otherwise, please keep opinions and comments up here (pointing at face) at grown-up levels. Thank you.
*and I'd walk out*
That's just me. I like to stub things immediately and don't sit and dwell on them. If I do, I tend to get really angry about it.
March 31, 2009 at 9:17 PM
Jennae @ Green Your Decor said…
I am SO not the mom to do that to! I don't know about you, but that would have warranted a response from me, and I can't promise it would have been a nice one :) Of course, I would have pulled her on the side away from my child, but I would have let her know that her "advice" and passive aggressive behavior is neither desirable nor acceptable, and in the future she should keep her comments to herself. I get pissed off by people who like try to slyly offer parenting advice. Like I said, I'm not the one :)
March 31, 2009 at 9:32 PM
Mocha Dad said…
You need to tell her that you don't appreciate her talking to you through your son. It's condescending.
March 31, 2009 at 9:54 PM
CaraBee said…
I have never had that happen, but I would definitely say something if it did. I might have been a smart-ass about it though and told them *through* my child. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
March 31, 2009 at 9:58 PM
Carebear said…
Wow. You are a bigger person than I am if you managed to bite your tongue in that moment. What a terrible, passive-aggressive example to set for the children in her care! I think it is perfectly reasonable and within your right to take her aside, or even write a polite letter stating that involving your child in that kind of cattiness goes against your parenting philosophy and that you would appreciate it if complaints about your tardiness or anything else would be addressed with you privately, out of earshot of your child. Sheesh, really, maybe spending all that time with kids has turned her into an immature little brat?!
April 1, 2009 at 12:41 AM
*Tanyetta* said…
My advice: Listen to your heart. If it pisses you off, say something. You don't have to say it disrespectfully, you can just speak from the heart.

The only way a person can continue to offend us is if we continue to ALLOW it to happen.

Tell them what pisses you off, and if they CONTINUE to do it, then...HOUSTON, we have a problem.

Good luck!
April 1, 2009 at 1:05 AM
Jami said…
That's awful! They are demeaning your decisions in front of your child. He may be a little to young to understand, but that doesn't give them the right. How irritating!
April 1, 2009 at 8:03 AM
Lisa @ Serah's said…
How rude of them! I think you should say something to them and don't let respect for your elders get in the way of you expressing how you feel. I think that respect for your elders phrase was invented so that people can say whatever they want and force you to keep your mouth closed. They have to respect you too! Sorry for going off but that just burns me up inside. **Sigh!** Now I'm alright. haha
April 1, 2009 at 11:39 AM
Felicia - I complete Me said…
I was offended by just reading this so I could imagine how you felt. I think you may have to say something. You don't want it to become a habit and not only that it's childish. If she has a problem then she needs to say something to you and not imply it through your child. Do not put children in grown folks business.
April 1, 2009 at 4:46 PM
Kristen Andrews said…
that is very annoying, I am always surprised and some of the things people say to children, it is quite sad.
April 1, 2009 at 11:29 PM
Petula said…
That is very disrespectful to you as a mother. It often surprises me that people don't think before making comments like that.

My advice is the next time something like that occurs or even before it occurs, ask the provider can you speak to her for a moment away from the children especially Mekhi. Express to her how you appreciate her being a partner in teaching and caring for Mekhi and remind her of your flexible schedule. You can creatively mention her comments so that she's clear on what you're trying to say.

Your pet peeve is so justified!
April 2, 2009 at 12:34 PM
Claremont First Ward said…
This rarely happens to me. If it did more frequently, I think I'd go ballistic. So inappropriate and annoying.
April 4, 2009 at 2:21 PM
Anonymous said…
I totally know what you mean. It's horribly frustrating to not be able to tear into people when they do that. Like your child is supposed to turn to you and say, "Yah Mommy...don't you KNOW that". Um, yes and why would you have to explain this to her! UGH. Feel your pain.
April 4, 2009 at 11:34 PM
Gem said…
Yikes. DS1 is not in school yet, but I would be quite annoyed if that happened to me.

I agree with Petula's advice...if it happens again speak to the providers when not in Mekhi's presence and just explain how you feel.

And if it continues maybe it's time to look for new a daycare.
April 5, 2009 at 4:44 PM
Heather said…
That would get old really quickly. You may need to take the lady aside and let her know how inappropriate that is. If they have a problem with your schedule then you can go somewhere else.
April 6, 2009 at 8:40 PM
slimshady22248202 said…
You Go Girl! You have every right to be upset. I would give those workers a piece of my mind. If you are possibly doing everything to take care of your child. Tell them to come to yourself for a day and show them what you do for your child. That would shut them up!

Peace Out!
April 7, 2009 at 1:46 PM
CG said…
UGH! Hate when that happens! In my case, it is usually a relative that does it. I hold it in as not to open up a can of whip-ass. Wish I had some advice for both of us.
April 11, 2009 at 6:29 AM
Anonymous said…
The worst is when it's coming from the in-laws and I can always see right through it. Only once have I "spoken back" through my son in answer to their hidden critique. I felt bad afterwards and haven't done it since. I think unless it's terrible misrepresentation of me in front of my kids I can just let it slide.

My best, Lynn
April 13, 2009 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said…
Kids are super smart at a young age too. Just because they can't form the right words always to respond doesn't mean they don't know the truth. Mekhi could have been thinking "Why you trippin' Grams? My mama fed me the goods before we stepped in the place!"
April 13, 2009 at 11:48 AM
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